Vergil’s Coffee

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting payback for how lazy I was as a child. I was not helpful around the house and I watched a lot of television in the 70s until I got to school and then I was busy with whatever sports season it was or whatever social engagement was happening. Oh, and I wasn’t a great student until my senior year.

Did I tell you that Brad Frost mowed our lawn? Maybe I didn’t, but my best friend through sixth grade, Brad Frost, apparently came from a more industrious background, because he mowed our lawn. Oh, we had a lawnmower (one of those manual push mowers with exposed swirling blades of death), but I think my mom got tired of asking me to mow the lawn, and probably offered Brad Frost five dollars to do it and he did (I think he even planted grass seed in a big dead patch to the south side of our front lawn).

Where did he even learn that stuff?

Anyway, two weekends ago, my wife asked about the upstairs bathroom sinks and commented how both sinks were draining “terribly slow again.” Yes, “again” is the operative word here as I’ve written about the same “fixing of the sinks” on my second “Coffee Stain.”

I gruffed and decided to just get the stupid thing done “once and for all.” This, by the way, is not a pronouncement you ought to make when working with plumbing as it is generally “wishful thinking” or just plain stupid talk. Whereas electrical work will usually yield an immediate result (be it that the lights go on, the lights don’t go on, or you hear a “pop!”); plumbing is a lesson in patience, humility and economics. And fortunately for me, this day I would face all those lessons.

I’ve mentioned this before, but that liquid “Genie-unplug-my-gunky-filled” pipe opener rarely works as advertised. Instead, you really have to get the hands dirty and snake that mother-of-a-gunkball out of its lodging and physically remove it from your house. (It’d be really stupid, you know, to flush it down the toilet or, better yet, wash it down the drain). So, that was the plan of action…for the adjacent sinks: to remove both S-Joints and get the snake-thing in there and remove the gunk.

Then several more variables entered the equation that equaled more time, effort and humility. One of the pipes had holes in it and the main outflow pipe’s threads were unusable.

Trip one of eight to the hardware store(s) began at 10:30 a.m.; I finished putting away my tools at 2:05 p.m.

Time+Effort+Humility=an amateur plumber.

Or at least that’s what I got from the Helpful Man at Ace Hardware on trip #2 when I was still jokey and happy. I was making some comment about how I try and remember to bring all the original parts with me in a plastic bag as to make sure I get the right size pipes. He had mentioned, in passing as I was checking out, that the average amateur plumbing job takes 3-5 trips to the hardware store. I laughed his little comment away, confident that this trip #2 was all I needed.

We then launched into a quick “what did you see?” chat about the man whom I saw get arrested in front of the BMV. I said that I was watching from the van as the police officer appeared to be using calming gestures and tones while the little Irate Man kept waving some paper around in some type of protest of something that happened (or didn’t happen) in the BMV. Irate Man took a few steps toward the police car, the police man did some type of warning thing, Irate Man put his hand on the police car, policeman handcuffed Irate Man and off they went downtown.

Or that’s how I saw it, I told the Ace Hardware chat group. They nodded in acceptance and off I went to find out that there was not way short of a large hammer, that I could connect the new piece to the old piece.
I did a lot of floundering from this point on as I tried to figure out a way make the connection with a few more trips to John Hall Hardware store. I went to John Hall Hardware store not so much because it’s a bit more “local shopping” as much as being taunted by those “amateur” words. In fact, as I was leaving the Ace Hardware store, the Helpful Man said, in passing and I think he meant no ill: “At my other job, I used to do that same plumbing job in less than 6 minutes.” So, I avoided the my own mockery and having to face the “6-minute man” and went to John Hall instead.

And it was after I found a workable and safe solution on my 4th John Hall trip that I got the mockery again.

“You know,” said the Old-Timer Hardware Workerman. “They say that most amateur plumbing jobs take around three trips.”

Is this part of the hardware business training? Did he just get a phone call from Ace Hardware Helpful Man and was told: “Oh, hey John Hall Old-Timer Hardware Workerman: there’s a guy who looks like an amateur that’ll be coming your way. Why don’t you give him the ‘3 times’ business, okay?”

Only thing is that I’ve apparently skewed the averages with my 8 total trips to the hardware stores. I suppose I’m not average, you know?

To my credit, though, I will say that I’ve fixed a plumbing problem that was directly caused by someone’s inability to do the job correctly, and who had merely stopped the leaking drains (and there’s a difference between the two).

I’ve been told that the word amateur has at its essence the idea of one who loves what they are doing. It’s not out of being paid for the job (a “professional”), an amateur does the job out of love of doing the job. I do not love the job of plumbing for the sake of plumbing; I do the job of plumbing because I couldn’t get my lazy butt off the couch and mow the lawn. Instead, Brad Frost (the amateur and possibly entrepreneur) mowed my family’s lawn and I have a feeling Brad Frost likes plumbing more than I do.

And as I look at the people that I really like, those in my house, I see Evan, the amateur of Ape Escape 3 1/2 game design and of a pretty well-developed sarcasm; I see Colin, the amateur of making Cast Lists and illogical pronouncements; and I see Lori, the amateur of mothering the boys, and of words (though I still can be her in Scrabble to her astonishment). I suppose those people don’t see me as Chris, the amateur of plumbing and mowing and picking the hair out of the Roomba. I hope not, as sometimes Lori will comment: “How did you know how to fix that?” and I will say something about serendipity and instinct (also known as luck or fate or perhaps, like many things in life that get “fixed”: time and effort and humility).

I think about my last Coffee Stain and some of the response that students have given regarding my not advising Student Publications next year. You should know that I don’t really view advising or teaching as my job; even though I am paid for doing it, I consider myself an amateur of teaching and learning and the whole business. I simply can’t view teaching as a job; I can’t see anyone else doing what I love to do (not even Brad Frost).